at day’s end, it never ends

 


 
 

At the end of the day

When I’m laying in bed

Or about to retire for the evening

 

When I’m waiting for sleep to come

Hoping that it does

The thoughts in my head

Are seething

 

 

And the feelings …

 

 

It’s all me

It’s all inside

It’s all that I feel and there’s nowhere to hide

 

But then …  I don’t want to.

 

It’s all there is

At the end of the day

I’m filled with hate

And everything it begets

And everywhere it goes

 

The head doctor said

Boredom is anger directed inward

The other head doctor said

Depression is anger directed inward

Yet another one said

A lot of things I can’t remember

 

Each night when my mind

Isn’t really engaged or occupied

I feel hate

I feel rage

I feel sad or empty or alone

 

I’m not be supposed to feel these things

Not every single day

I’m supposed to be getting better!

So I lay here 

In the dark

Tonight it was hate

And now it’s tears

 

I never imagined

It’d be the same after all these years

But then I never considered I’d even be alive

 

But

Am I really alive?

 

Some nights, some days

It just boils over

This volcano of rage

And sometimes

It spills over

The wet salty overflow

from this well of infinite hate

 

And night after night

I’m still here

still fighting this fight

This endless fight

 

I wonder each night

What will it be?

 

Which of these things

Will I sleep with tonight?

 
 


 

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at day’s end, it never ends

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